So I accept it: When your healing doesn't come when you think it should!

So as many of you know I have been battling an illness for close to ten years. Each year it seems the illness gets worse and worse. Due to my illness I have had to leave four jobs in one year! This illness has gone from illness to disability. I know it’s crazy. Over the years I have had many people pray for my deliverance and it has yet to happen. I don’t mean just anyone praying I mean some serious prayer warriors have prayed, laid hands, anointing me with oil, you name it they did it! But to no avail I have still been suffering with this illness. For months I just could not figure out for the life of me why God was allowing this to happen to me. I mean I know I am not perfect but give me a break God! God had been giving me clues as to why he wouldn’t let my illness leave me but it didn’t become clear until I changed my prayer. I finally got serious and said a God “either heal me or make it plain!” He made it plain.

Yesterday as I was studying my word I came upon the story of Jacob wrestling with God (or an angel depending on how you see it) (Genesis 32:22-32). Basically Jacob wanted God to bless in with favor with his brother Esau so he was fighting with God to get his blessing. Not just any fighting I mean ALL NIGHT LONG! In the process God touched his hip and put it out of the socket. God finally blessed Jacob so they stopped fighting but from then on Jacob walked with a limp. Due to my illness I have weakness on my right side and many times I walk with a limp. Never had I thought that my limp or illness was a direct result of me fighting for a blessing! My illness started when I had my beautiful daughter. It was a fight to get her here and healthy. I was on bed rest, high risk and many trips to the hospital. This was some serious all night fighting! With all of that she is here and healthy! She hardly is ever sick and deals with very little health issues.  As for me I walk with a limp (LOL).

But wait there is more! This morning while on my patio I was studying on Paul’s thorn in his side (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 gnb). Paul shares that to keep him from being prideful and relying on him God provided a thorn (painful physical ailment) in his body. Paul clearly was a quick learner because he only prayed three times and heard God's answer. As for me I had to pray hundreds of times before I could hear or accept the answer. God said to Paul “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” Paul went on to say “I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ’s power over me. I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and difficulties for Christ’s sake.” Talk about a wake-up call! I think we all are very clear on the God grace being all we need but what we are not clear on is being happy and proud of our weaknesses!

In this world we are taught that weakness is a bad thing. We are taught to hide our disabilities and be sad that we are dealing with them. Never in my life have I been happy about a physical aliment until today. Today I accept that I am indeed disabled. My body does not work like everyone else’s and I have to pick and choose what I do. I have to press through the pain when I can and have a seat when I can’t. I have learned that I should be happy that I am dealing with a “thorn” because that means God’s power and protection surrounds me! I have extra special power! I also learned that I no longer need to “suffer” through my disability I need to live with JOY.

So from now on if you are praying for me don’t just pray for my healing. Pray that I may be happy with my illness and be able to function in God’s will while being ill. Pray my strength in the Lord to endure my weakness being proud and content. God may never heal me on this side of life but that’s ok and I accept it.

Telling the Truth with Love

In life we have many opportunities to share the truth with someone. The “truth” can be a very sticky situation. You have to make sure that the truth you are sharing is actually the truth and not your personal opinion or judgment. Also I know many people say things like “the truth will set you free” and “tell the truth and shame the devil.” But have you ever considered how you share the truth? When sharing the truth you have to do it from a place of love. You also have to deliver the truth in the matter in which you want to receive it. I remember in the movie “Ray” Ray’s record executive told him that he had some news to share with his and didn’t want him to take it wrong. Ray Charles’ response was “well give it to me right then.” When sharing with people you have to give it to them right!

 I know it is very easy for us to sit on our high horse and want to give the person “the truth” but you must think and chose your words carefully. If you deliver the truth in a harsh and brash manner the person will not receive it. When the person doesn’t receive it, it will leave them upset and you in your feelings because they are not “listening” to you. 

For example, you may think that your friend’s spouse is being unfaithful and they should leave them. But you can’t approach a person like that. You have to remember first and foremost they are a human being with feelings. They likely love their significant other and have no desire to discuss their failures, let alone your opinions about them. It is likely that they already know the very things you are talking about but is ignoring it. The quickest way to upset a person and send them into denial is to tell them the truth they already know and refuse to believe. (Ever heard a hit dog howls?)

Thus you have to go to them by saying that you love them and care about their happiness. You see that they have not been happy and you are concerned about the treatment they are receiving from their mate. From that point they can either shut down and you say ok. Or she can open up a dialogue about your concerns and maybe get to place of understanding.  You have to stop and think if someone was to tell you this information how would you want them to do it? Would you want someone going off about your mate and listing their wrongs with a negative attitude? I will answer that for you…nope you wouldn’t and would likely snap. In this life the last thing the human ego wants is to be wrong and many times giving the “truth” without love makes a person feel wrong. If they feel wrong they will attack and defend themselves against their perceived enemy which then turns out to be you!

We must also remember when sharing the truth you have to make sure that the person is even ready to receive the truth. The best way to gage this is by prayer. God will let you know when to speak and how to speak. If you jump out without God’s guidance you might find yourself short a friend or family member. Sometimes you have to love a person into being ready to receive the truth, which will require a commitment on your part. You will have to keep being there, being supportive and patient until you find that God ordained time to share the truth. When you share the truth at the right time, with the right words from a place of love is when truth really sets someone free and shames the devil.

 Prayer to share truth: Father God, I come to you humbly asking for you to not see me but see my heart. I have some hard truths that I feel I need to share with someone. Lord if it is your will please let your Holy Spirit rule my mouth in agenda and let me give the truth from a place of love and at the proper time. Prepare the persons heart to receive my words knowing that they flow from you and love. Lord if what I am going to share isn’t the truth or should not be shared at this time make me aware and corrected me oh loving father. In Jesus name, Amen.

Spirtual Bases:

2 Timothy 2:24-25:

“And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to knowledge of the truth.”

Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh CXXXII, pp. 287-289:

“If ye be aware of a certain truth, if ye possess a jewel, of which others are deprived, share it with them in a language of utmost kindliness and good-will. If it be accepted, if it fulfil its purpose, your object is attained. If any one should refuse it, leave him unto himself, and beseech God to guide him. Beware lest ye deal unkindly with him.

Before you walk out my life

As I am sitting on my couch extremely excited that I now have VH1 Soul, a familiar song comes on. The soothing sounds of Monica singing “Before you walk out of my life”. I sit and began to sing/hum the song and all kinds of memories began to flood my memory. I remember being a young, 13 years old when the song came out. At the time my parents had separated so it was just me, my mom and my sister living in the home. Things were not the worst I had experienced but it wasn’t the best. I remember playing the CD over and over. I got the CD in the mail from one of those get 12 CD’s for a penny deals. Then a not so pleasant feeling came over me, the feeling I felt when my mom was about to leave with her “friends”. I say “friends” because these people suffered from the disease of drug addiction. When these people came around I knew that the loving caring mother that I knew was soon to be gone. Not that any of them wanted to hurt or abandon me…they just so happen to be the ones that did. Anyway, I remember one day her friends came over to get ready to get go out. I was in my room and one of them asked me to play some music for them. Of course I played Monica. My hopes were that just maybe if the music was good they wouldn’t go out and my mother would stay home.

To my young dismay the music was not enough to keep them home. Soon they were out the door and only the faint smell of their perfume remained.  Deep inside I knew that my mother was leaving and was likely would be gone for days. It was becoming more and more of a habit for my mother to leave with no word on when she would return. I remember just as clear staring out my mother’s bedroom window waiting to see her car pull up. That day wouldn’t come for three days and because I was so loyal I never told a soul, not even my father. Due to this experience I could never listen to “Before you walk out my life” without feeling defeated, abandoned, hurt and very upset (pissed is a better word!). But today it was different. I heard the song, had the memory but instead I smiled! I sang the song and had joy in my heart. Just the slight sting of the experience was present but the pain wasn’t!

I believe all the negative feelings are gone because God has healed me and my mother. I have grown to look at drug addiction as the disease it is. I now know that it was not my mother that was leaving me and hurting me. It was my mother on drugs that was hurting me and those are two very different people. People who are on drugs are not in control of themselves. They are under the control of the drug, the drug dealers and others who do drugs. My sober mother would never hurt me in any way, shape or form. I am able to say that now my mother is clean and is living the blessed life that God can provide. God was able to break strongholds in her life, as well as mine. We prayed for many years and God came in and did is job! We have to remember two things: One some of the things that happened in our childhood maybe unsavory. BUT with God we can be healed in our adulthood and go on and live our lives. We don’t have to stay playing victim and blaming our parents for why our lives aren’t want we want them to be. Grow up and take some responsibility for YOUR LIFE.  The second thing to remember is to never give up on the people you love. You may have to pray and wait on the Lord for a LONG time but don’t give up. Keep praying and loving them even if you have to love them from a distance. I promise God will come into the situation and make it right! (Disclaimer: Right might not be how you pictured it or how you want it but it will be RIGHT)

Monica "Before you walk out my life" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snQi_k2Rnd0

The time for change is now…even if I don’t like it.

 

 

So there I was living my life and boom! God decided that my life was about to make a big change wither I wanted it to or not! I had just moved back to my home town to be with the love of my life and to start a new higher paying job with the company I had been with for six and a half years. Before I had moved I felt God tell me that I should not work and just take some time off and work would come. My flesh was not hearing it so God permitted me to get a higher paying job at my then current employer. You would think that I was on the top of the world but you would be wrong. At first I was. Things were going well on the home front and I was flying through my new job training. Unfortunately, my physical body was not so happy. My migraine condition flared up and would not let up. At the same time I was having stomach issues which caused me to vomit at least ten times a day. I figured that if I just took a few days off things would get better and I could return. After three weeks of sickness and 7 doctors appointments things just was not looking good. I went to what would be my last doctors appoint for a few weeks and the doctor hit me with news I wasn’t trying to hear. He told me that the stress of the position at my job was causing my illness and I was not going to get better until I no longer worked there. He basically told me I either needed to quit the job or risk my life. I let it go in one ear and out the other until the morning of the day I was to return to work.

I woke up feeling as if I was literally having a nervous breakdown! My stomach was turning, I was hot, head hurting, my body was shaking and I was crying uncontrollably. At that point I decided that I was going to do what I needed to do. At that point I decided that I no longer needed the money and position. All I wanted and needed was God and peace. If that meant people would judge me and call me dumb I didn’t care. I did not care that my car could be repossessed and not have my hair done. All I wanted was to do the will of God! I picked up the phone and made one of the hardest calls I ever had to make. I called my then employer and told them I was unable to return and would not be returning. My manager asked me if I was sure and I calmly said “yes”. Once I hung up the phone I still felt fearful but at the same time I felt as if I made the right decision. Soon after that I began to regain my health. I went from 20 percent to 80 percent in about a week. So then I figured that now was the time for me to return to work and school. In the blink of an eye I had a job with the school district and was accepted into the college I had applied. I thought “now this is what God wanted for me!”

 

A few weeks before classes where to began I went online to enroll. To my horror, I was not able to enroll due to a very old balance that I owed the school. I prayed and believed that it would be ok because God must have a better plan. The next week I started the training for my new job. Things were going well and out of nowhere I was hit with a bad migraine. Back to the hospital and doctor. Again the doctor told me that I was not going to be able to work. Again I had to call my employer and again quit. At this point I had left the job that paid me the most money I had ever made, was unable to return to work on my degree AND I can’t work the job of my dreams…..God has got some serious explaining to do!

The first week was rough. I was sad that my life was no longer how I pictured it would be. I was no longer able to do what I had always done and I was no longer able to do what I thought God called me to do. Then one morning I woke up and realized that no matter what, God sits on the thorn. Where I am is where he wants me to be so I just needed to make the best of it. So I started making smoothies and resting. I wasn’t really used to just resting and healing. I was used to being sick and pushing forward so it was very hard for me to just “rest”. What was even harder was facing the fact that I am in fact, disabled. Not that there is anything wrong with people who are disabled. It is just very hard to accept that you can do thing like you used to and you have to adjust your lifestyle. But now I think I have the hang of it. I spend time with my daughter and I am home everyday to greet her when she returns from school. I am able to help her with home work and spend time doing the things I couldn’t before. I am able to go to church because I am not too tired or overworked.

Basically what I am trying to share is that life is not going to go how you planned, but the point is for you to maintain YOUR JOY! No matter what other people have to say or think about you your life, keep your joy! So what you don’t have a job or a title. You are not your job and title! You are so much more in God if you let him use you. I know that God removed those things from me because he wanted me to know that he and he alone is my source. Anything I get I know without a doubt that it is GOD. I also know that God has a big plan for my life. He has shown me just a glimpse and I look forward to the greatness he will show through me!

Grace

I find it is difficult for me to remain peaceful when someone does something that I have already expressed drives me crazy. For example, I have shared repeatedly with my daughter that I DO NOT like it when she stomps off in my house like she pays rent! It makes my blood pressure rise and makes me want to take the door off the hinges and “Kunta Kinta” one of her feet (lbs). It is in those moments that it is  hard for me to find grace for her and other people but I am working on it. It just dawned on me that God likely gives us a lot of grace because 1. He loves us but 2. He doesn’t want to be stressed out worrying about us and the things that we do that drive him crazy. For those who believe that God can’t possibly be bothered by what we do, think again. The bible says that we are created in his imagine and likeness. God was so upset with the Israelites he let them go around the same mountain for 40 years. The Bible also says that Jesus came from God and was indeed God in flesh. We all know that Jesus got upset at people a few times. Recall when he was turning over tables in the church house because people were abusing it? But I digress.

 Anyway,  I am sure that if God did not give is grace freely, but instead punished us each time we did something that wasn’t right or just down- right got on his nerves he would not have much time to bless us. For example, have you ever had to discipline a child for acting up? If not let me tell you it is a chore and quiet stressful if you have to do it on a regular basis. You have to take the time to discuss the issue and then hand out the punishment. 9 times out of 10 the punishment is harder on you than it is on them! You have to watch them suffer and sometimes suffer with them. Ever tell an 8 year old they can’t play their D.S. or be on the computer and then want to do some reading? Or be in the house with your spouse and you both are walking around not speaking and the air is so thick you can’t breathe? Yea, good luck with that lol.

 Sometimes it’s just best to show your children and people some grace to save yourself the headache and restore YOUR peace. I am not saying that you shouldn’t do it for the love of them, but you certainly should do it for the love of YOU. It’s a win-win situation, the person does not have to feel as if they have to be perfect and you don’t have to be stress about them either lol. Along with that the people who you give grace will likely give you grace in the future and we ALL can use some grace.  With that being said, this does not mean that you turn into a doormat and start letting people run all over you. Of course if you have shown your child much grace and they still are producing the same behavior than a loving punishment is necessary. I don’t know about you but God has gotten my behind MANY times. In the words of my great-grandmother God had to show me that “fat meat is greasy”!

 Without hesitation I will tell you this is easier said than done. God can do it so well because he has not been  jaded by this world. His entire thought process is based in love and peace. Thus it’s nothing to the “G” to just give you some grace and keep on going. You on the other hand are in the world and at one point were of it. Which means your ego and patience is likely extremely low. So just know that it will take time and prayer to develop your grace muscle. But once you began to master it you will find that you have an abundance of peace and that will make it all worth it.

 

The Miseducation of Mother

 

So, I had recently acknowledged that I really do not care for children. Now the truth isn’t that I don’t care for children. The truth is I don’t care for what I believed they represented. To me they represented a loss of freedom and a lot of responsibility. Children represented me believing that what I want to do and how I want to live is no longer a option because I have to take care of them. Now where did this come from? Part of it came from personal experience. I neglected to accurately take my birth control assuming that I couldn’t and wouldn’t get pregnant taking pills at different times of the day. Hey I used condoms too! Clearly I wasn’t very wise but that’s not here or there. Then I toyed with the idea of taking a morning after but I told myself that I didn’t need the pill because I wasn’t pregnant nor was I going to get pregnant…but I was pregnant.

 That meant that my will had to change. It had to go from self to another human being, so I was on the back burner many times. But I think the strongest influence was people. People, namely elders believe it’s their duty to give it to you straight and they really believe they are. Many of them told me “its not about you anymore its about that baby” “you are not the priority the baby is” “you life is on hold now because you have to take care of your child”. Now being a child myself (I was only 21) I never stopped to think, why does it have to be that way? Who said that my life has to be on hold and that I am no longer a priority?! I know that the Lord didn’t say it! God said to take care of your kids but I don’t recall anywhere him saying that I had to stop caring for myself and that my ENTIRE focus and life had to be for my child. He never said that all of my choices have to be based on the fact that I am mother instead of a human woman with dreams and goals! But I didn’t question it. I bought into what my elders told me hook, line and sinker. I believed that they had to know something since they have kids and have lived right?

Now I am a bit wiser and am doing some thinking of my own.  I am coming to realize that just because I am a mother does not mean that I have to wait for my child to be grown to live my life for me. Of course I have to provide a good life for her but I can create and have a good life for me too! If my God can heal cancer, prevent car wrecks, keep me from drugs and avoided me getting a few DWI’s in my life for being stupid, SURLY my God has the ability to help me create a life that benefits my child’s needs and mine! Many single mother’s will refuse to admit what I am about to admit. But before I realized that I had the ability to do both, I resented my daughter. Believe me I know that sounds so ugly, but it’s the truth! I am not here to feed you some sugar coated idea of what I think I am giving it to you raw and uncut.

Now I loved and still love my daughter but I resented what I believed being a parent had done to my life. I resented that it was no longer about me and that I am not a priority. But again I realize that if I don’t make MY LIFE about ME, she and I will suffer and so will anyone else in my life’s experience. So from now on I am thinking of the both of us. I am no longer just interested in a good paying job because that’s what the world believes you must have. I am no longer in the business of suffering in a position that gives me no joy because it’s expected for me to care for my child. Now I realize that if I my happiness is not a priority I am not able to give my child what she needs and that’s a whole, sane, joyful, lovable parent.

I have also learned that as I am slowly but surely becoming that wise “elder” that some girl in crisis may choose to come to. I will take that responsibility seriously and give the best advice I know how. Starting with, you can have a child and still have YOU! It may be hard work but it can be done! Don’t stop living for you because with God you can do it all!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hvntSfvqGQ

Is it me?

I have to admit today has been a trying day for me over all. I woke up just fine but things slowly started turning south. First my child turned off her listening ears and decided to do her own thing. But I got over that and got her to school. Then I was going to Starbucks and totally turned into the wrong drive but I recovered from that. Next I went and parked in my parking space and decided to spend some time with God. I shared with God that I felt overwhelmed and detached. Then I read some word and started feeling better. So hi ho hi ho into work I go! The very first customer I helped was a BEAR. I was telling her just what she wanted to hear but she wasn’t taking the time to listen. Finally I was able to get us on the same page. In the end she was happy and I was able to recover my peace. But next something happened that took a bit for me to recover from.

Thru the door walks an older woman with equipment that she needs help with. My co-worker was talking on the phone so I politely said hello. She continued to walk so I assumed she didn’t hear me. So again I smiled and repeated "hello, how can I help you today." Once more, she stood there as if she could not hear me. So for a third time I raised my voice and said "hello". At this time my co-worker is wrapping up her conversation on the phone. The customer looks right at me as to acknowledge that I was speaking and went to my co-worker. As this is occurring, I was trying to remember if I knew the lady or if we had some sort of exchange in the past. From what I can recall we didn’t and I never forget someone who I was upset with lol. My co-worker did not know the lady and had never had any interaction with the customer. The only difference between my co-worker and I is she is a white woman and I am a black woman.

Normally I am not the one to call racism but today it was very clear that the woman did not want to come to me because I was black. There wasn’t any other reason why she wouldn’t come to me. My co-worker looked at me with a strange look when the woman silently refused my help. From the look on my co-workers face she too knew the reason why the lady was not interested in getting my help. I have had other customers who also would not allow me to do my job because I was black. Or worse they did not come to me because I am the "double negative" a black woman! But normally I am not affected by their ignorance. I accept it and move on, not so much today!

After sitting there feeling wounded, emotional and rejected for a few minutes I decided it was time to pray and learn something from this experience. As I was praying and affirming the truth about myself and who God created me to be, God intercepted. I could clearly hear the spirit say "You are right, the woman is racist but that is not your problem. The lesson I want you to learn is that everyone is not going to believe you are great. Some people no matter how great you are will judge you and assume things about you based on your looks or who you used to be. You must KNOW who and WHO’S you are. Also some people are not going to want your help. Yes, you may be qualified to help them and be willing, but they don’t want your help. Don’t get upset, save your skills and time to people who WANT THEM."

Talk about a glass of cold water in your face! But God was 100% correct. There are days when I doubt myself and my skills. On these days I allow how other people feel and think bother me. When in reality I need to remember that I am a child of God. God created me in his imagine and likeness. He said that I am fearfully and wonderfully made! He said that I am "very good". So no matter what people think about me that does not change who I am, that speaks on who they are! People rejected Jesus and I am not different. I just must learn that no matter what I AM GREAT, PERIOD! I must also learn that I can’t allow my emotions to be moved based on other people and certainly not a stranger!

I can say that I have grown a lot. The old me would have spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. Instead I decided to seek counsel! I did however go on to waste water all over my co-workers desk and remember that I forgot my lunch at home LOL. Gratefully my co-worker dried his desk and my hunny gave me money for lunch J .

Anyway, just remember people will be people. Pray for them and yourself. Focus on what you can learn and change instead of wasting time on people who you simply can’t change anyway!