The Miseducation of Mother

 

So, I had recently acknowledged that I really do not care for children. Now the truth isn’t that I don’t care for children. The truth is I don’t care for what I believed they represented. To me they represented a loss of freedom and a lot of responsibility. Children represented me believing that what I want to do and how I want to live is no longer a option because I have to take care of them. Now where did this come from? Part of it came from personal experience. I neglected to accurately take my birth control assuming that I couldn’t and wouldn’t get pregnant taking pills at different times of the day. Hey I used condoms too! Clearly I wasn’t very wise but that’s not here or there. Then I toyed with the idea of taking a morning after but I told myself that I didn’t need the pill because I wasn’t pregnant nor was I going to get pregnant…but I was pregnant.

 That meant that my will had to change. It had to go from self to another human being, so I was on the back burner many times. But I think the strongest influence was people. People, namely elders believe it’s their duty to give it to you straight and they really believe they are. Many of them told me “its not about you anymore its about that baby” “you are not the priority the baby is” “you life is on hold now because you have to take care of your child”. Now being a child myself (I was only 21) I never stopped to think, why does it have to be that way? Who said that my life has to be on hold and that I am no longer a priority?! I know that the Lord didn’t say it! God said to take care of your kids but I don’t recall anywhere him saying that I had to stop caring for myself and that my ENTIRE focus and life had to be for my child. He never said that all of my choices have to be based on the fact that I am mother instead of a human woman with dreams and goals! But I didn’t question it. I bought into what my elders told me hook, line and sinker. I believed that they had to know something since they have kids and have lived right?

Now I am a bit wiser and am doing some thinking of my own.  I am coming to realize that just because I am a mother does not mean that I have to wait for my child to be grown to live my life for me. Of course I have to provide a good life for her but I can create and have a good life for me too! If my God can heal cancer, prevent car wrecks, keep me from drugs and avoided me getting a few DWI’s in my life for being stupid, SURLY my God has the ability to help me create a life that benefits my child’s needs and mine! Many single mother’s will refuse to admit what I am about to admit. But before I realized that I had the ability to do both, I resented my daughter. Believe me I know that sounds so ugly, but it’s the truth! I am not here to feed you some sugar coated idea of what I think I am giving it to you raw and uncut.

Now I loved and still love my daughter but I resented what I believed being a parent had done to my life. I resented that it was no longer about me and that I am not a priority. But again I realize that if I don’t make MY LIFE about ME, she and I will suffer and so will anyone else in my life’s experience. So from now on I am thinking of the both of us. I am no longer just interested in a good paying job because that’s what the world believes you must have. I am no longer in the business of suffering in a position that gives me no joy because it’s expected for me to care for my child. Now I realize that if I my happiness is not a priority I am not able to give my child what she needs and that’s a whole, sane, joyful, lovable parent.

I have also learned that as I am slowly but surely becoming that wise “elder” that some girl in crisis may choose to come to. I will take that responsibility seriously and give the best advice I know how. Starting with, you can have a child and still have YOU! It may be hard work but it can be done! Don’t stop living for you because with God you can do it all!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hvntSfvqGQ