Weeping At God's Feet

There comes a time in your life when you must sit humbly at God's feet, and weep. This evening as I was spending time with my 8 month old daughter I decided to read her some books. I found two baby books and a large picture book called "Amazing Grace." Upon finding "Amazing Grace" I was super excited. The book is about a young black girl who was told she couldn't be Peter Pan in a play because she was a girl and she was black. Anyway, off to my comfy chair with baby in tow. As we sat I began to read the pages of the two baby books. My daughter smiled and rubbed the pages. Then it was time for "Amazing Grace." As I opened the pages Khy's eyes lit up and she became excited. Unfortunately that excitement had to end. In the midst of reading I began to feel my speech slur so I stopped reading. About five minutes later my right side began to tingle and a migraine began.

As I sat there I began to feel defeated and hopeless. In my mind I was thinking  "I can't even read my baby a book." As the tears welled up in my eyes I went to the kitchen where my husband was preparing dinner. I asked him to tell me not to cry. The tears couldn't be held back. I cried on his shoulder. Not just crying, I wept. At that moment life just wasn't fair. I couldn't do something as simple as read a children's book.

Now I know that may seem silly to some. I have been reading since I was 4. My mother taught me how to read aloud. She taught me how to change my voice for different characters. She taught me how to eloquently speak each word with power and hold the listeners attention. Yes she used Girl Scout cookies as motivation, but it worked. Because of that experience I take great pride in reading to my little ones. The feeling of loss I experienced tonight hurt and felt unreal.

After my husband told me it was okay to cry, we figured out that the reading aloud was a trigger for my migraines. I sat in this realization for hours. In my mind, I was trying to figure out what was the purpose of God allowing this current moment of desperation. After sitting humbly at God's feet I got clarity. No matter what physical ability is taken from me I will always have God as my comforter. I can always go to his feet and weep. God will always hear my cry. If he can help me through all the other issues in my life, he can help me with this. Also, God blessed me with this ability to read. There are people in the world who have never been able to read or read to their children period.

I have decided for this moment Khy's big sisters and dad will read to her. In the meantime I will bond with her by playing with toys, listening to music and bath time. One day soon God WILL return my ability to read to my babies. Even if he doesn't, he has done enough.

Life Comes at You Fast!

Picture it, Sunday morning freshly home from church. As I am sitting on my couch basking in all of God’s glory while eating pizza (hey I am pregnant, don’t judge me), I call my child downstairs to take her medication. As she makes her way down the stairs I ask her about why she was on her tablet at 1:48am and how she really thought I wasn’t going to find out. To her credit she did not lie and promptly brought me her tablet. I thought “to God be the glory!” She quickly took her medicine and went on to get something to eat and then bam! Foolishness hit.

I told her not to take her plate in her room and she began to call on God and stomp. I told myself that I would not be dismayed this morning. I let her go on about her business and soon she came back to eat her food with no attitude. I thought again “To God be the glory!” But let me tell you satan puts up a strong campaign! I asked my beautiful 10 year old to unload the dishwasher and from her mouth came the sounds of attitude in her throat! My blood pressure started to rise, but I refused to lose. I put on gospel and played it LOUD. I sang, I ignored and went right on with my day. Soon my child realized that I was not taking this trip with her today. I have been to this destination the past 3 Sundays and I was not about to make another trip. Thus, she went to take the nap that she apparently needed.

So as life or God if you will, would have it my daughter later learned how it is not good to take your lack of sleep or mood out on other people.  My daughter is on a competitive cheerleading team and she has to spend a lot of time with the team and coaches. Well today my daughter shared someone amongst their unit was having a rough day and in my opinion rightfully so! She hadn’t gotten any sleep; she had been working on classes, working on cheer and a long list of other things. Due to these issues she was in no mood for foolishness! So when foolishness was happening she simply was not having it and my child couldn’t understand why she was being so different. At that moment the spirit dropped a word for me to share with her.

I looked at my daughter’s confused face and I asked her “do you remember this morning when you were being rude to me for no reason because you were tired?” She looked down at her feet and said “yes”. I then said “do you remember that I showed you grace because I could see that you were tired and clearly taking being tired out on me?” She again said “Yes”. I then said “maybe this person was taking their tiredness out on you and not even realizing it and needs some grace. She then said “well it’s not fair that she is taking it out on us…” and her voice began to fade. I finally said “you see how fast life comes at you? This morning you were being rude and mean to me and I gave it to God. Just that fast God gave you the experience right back so you could learn this lesson! You reap what you sew, you catch your karma or what goes around comes around. Whatever you what to call it is fine with me. But remember the energy you put out you will receive back.”

She got really quiet and then I think she began to understand the two things I was trying to teach her. Number one is, sometimes you have to show people grace for what they are going through. Number two is you need to remember that if you do not like it done to you, don’t do it! Be very careful of the seeds you plant because they will harvest and sometimes it will be faster than you thought! The bonus thing she learned was to go to bed at night! With that I say to God be the glory!

Why Many Christians are in the church but unhappy

          For many years I have been truly perplexed about something. I have been watching people go in and out the church doors for years yet still they are unhappy. These people are at the church whenever the doors are open. They are in the choir, children’s ministry, greeter’s ministry, mother board, elder board, deacon board, heck ministers and licensed Reverends. These folks can quote the bible word for word and praise on demand! All this activity at the church yet they seem to be the most bitter, black hearted, judgmental, unhappy folks you would ever what to meet. The saddest part about it is most of them don’t even realize that they are this way. Well some might but are in denial. Don’t sit there are act like you have no idea what I am talking about. I am pretty sure while you are reading this you have certain folks in mind. No shade, just truth!

                Today while I was reading a book by Iyanla Vanzant I finally got a revelation about why these people are this way. She was speaking about her grandmother who was like one of the above mentioned people. She said “She had a relationship with religion rather than a relationship with the spirit of God.” Talk about a newsflash! I had never thought about the fact that these people could be in a relationship with religion and NOT GOD!!! These folks have a relationship with being busy and doing work for the “church”. They had somehow along the way either never developed a relationship with God or they lost it. A sure way to know if people are in a relationship with religion and not God is that their church doesn’t grow…I will get to why it doesn’t grow in a bit.

                To keep it 100 a person cannot have a relationship with God and continue to behave ungodly. We are all far from Jesus but he can and will change you if you let him. Some of the people in a relationship with religion go to church so they can feel like they have done their duty to God and go on about their normal unhappy lives. But many of them go to church and do work of the “Lord” solely based on ego. They want to have an impressive relationship with the church. They want the title or the recognition. They take on a million task and then walk around angry and full of resentment. Instead of checking in with the spirit of God for where they should be serving they allowed ego to choose for them. Then they wonder why they have no joy. They have no joy because God was not in it from the start. Where the spirit of God dwells there is JOY. Therefore if you can’t find joy in the things you are doing, it is highly likely God simply isn’t in it. The real question is why are you? But that’s another blog all together.

                As Christians we have to remember that WE represent Christ and Christianity. If we walk around unhappy, bitter, gossiping and downright hateful, why in the world would someone be interested in this Christ we serve? They would assume that Christ hasn’t done too well by us so what could he possibly do for them. (This ladies and gentlemen and why the church isn’t growing) We can’t blame them for having these thoughts if this is the life that we show them. So as a follower of Christ we have to be a lover of God and his Spirit. We have to get into relationship with them! Like any other relationship we have to spend time and truly get to know God’s nature. We have to get still and not just read the word but get a revelation of the word in our heart. Once this happens no matter what is going on in your life you will remain joyful. You will continue to keep your smile. You will only be involved in ministries that give you joy, because God will be in it. Once you are in a relationship with the Spirit of God everything you touch will be blessed!

 I would hate for our time to come to an end in this world and God say “I never knew you!” What a shame that would be! To be doing all this work for the church and religion but never truly KNOW GOD. So if you find that you are one of these people or know some these people take the time to pray for them/you. Pray that you get into a relationship with the spirit of God and not a relationship with religion.

Further Study: Matthew 7:19-23

So I accept it: When your healing doesn't come when you think it should!

So as many of you know I have been battling an illness for close to ten years. Each year it seems the illness gets worse and worse. Due to my illness I have had to leave four jobs in one year! This illness has gone from illness to disability. I know it’s crazy. Over the years I have had many people pray for my deliverance and it has yet to happen. I don’t mean just anyone praying I mean some serious prayer warriors have prayed, laid hands, anointing me with oil, you name it they did it! But to no avail I have still been suffering with this illness. For months I just could not figure out for the life of me why God was allowing this to happen to me. I mean I know I am not perfect but give me a break God! God had been giving me clues as to why he wouldn’t let my illness leave me but it didn’t become clear until I changed my prayer. I finally got serious and said a God “either heal me or make it plain!” He made it plain.

Yesterday as I was studying my word I came upon the story of Jacob wrestling with God (or an angel depending on how you see it) (Genesis 32:22-32). Basically Jacob wanted God to bless in with favor with his brother Esau so he was fighting with God to get his blessing. Not just any fighting I mean ALL NIGHT LONG! In the process God touched his hip and put it out of the socket. God finally blessed Jacob so they stopped fighting but from then on Jacob walked with a limp. Due to my illness I have weakness on my right side and many times I walk with a limp. Never had I thought that my limp or illness was a direct result of me fighting for a blessing! My illness started when I had my beautiful daughter. It was a fight to get her here and healthy. I was on bed rest, high risk and many trips to the hospital. This was some serious all night fighting! With all of that she is here and healthy! She hardly is ever sick and deals with very little health issues.  As for me I walk with a limp (LOL).

But wait there is more! This morning while on my patio I was studying on Paul’s thorn in his side (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 gnb). Paul shares that to keep him from being prideful and relying on him God provided a thorn (painful physical ailment) in his body. Paul clearly was a quick learner because he only prayed three times and heard God's answer. As for me I had to pray hundreds of times before I could hear or accept the answer. God said to Paul “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” Paul went on to say “I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ’s power over me. I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and difficulties for Christ’s sake.” Talk about a wake-up call! I think we all are very clear on the God grace being all we need but what we are not clear on is being happy and proud of our weaknesses!

In this world we are taught that weakness is a bad thing. We are taught to hide our disabilities and be sad that we are dealing with them. Never in my life have I been happy about a physical aliment until today. Today I accept that I am indeed disabled. My body does not work like everyone else’s and I have to pick and choose what I do. I have to press through the pain when I can and have a seat when I can’t. I have learned that I should be happy that I am dealing with a “thorn” because that means God’s power and protection surrounds me! I have extra special power! I also learned that I no longer need to “suffer” through my disability I need to live with JOY.

So from now on if you are praying for me don’t just pray for my healing. Pray that I may be happy with my illness and be able to function in God’s will while being ill. Pray my strength in the Lord to endure my weakness being proud and content. God may never heal me on this side of life but that’s ok and I accept it.

Telling the Truth with Love

In life we have many opportunities to share the truth with someone. The “truth” can be a very sticky situation. You have to make sure that the truth you are sharing is actually the truth and not your personal opinion or judgment. Also I know many people say things like “the truth will set you free” and “tell the truth and shame the devil.” But have you ever considered how you share the truth? When sharing the truth you have to do it from a place of love. You also have to deliver the truth in the matter in which you want to receive it. I remember in the movie “Ray” Ray’s record executive told him that he had some news to share with his and didn’t want him to take it wrong. Ray Charles’ response was “well give it to me right then.” When sharing with people you have to give it to them right!

 I know it is very easy for us to sit on our high horse and want to give the person “the truth” but you must think and chose your words carefully. If you deliver the truth in a harsh and brash manner the person will not receive it. When the person doesn’t receive it, it will leave them upset and you in your feelings because they are not “listening” to you. 

For example, you may think that your friend’s spouse is being unfaithful and they should leave them. But you can’t approach a person like that. You have to remember first and foremost they are a human being with feelings. They likely love their significant other and have no desire to discuss their failures, let alone your opinions about them. It is likely that they already know the very things you are talking about but is ignoring it. The quickest way to upset a person and send them into denial is to tell them the truth they already know and refuse to believe. (Ever heard a hit dog howls?)

Thus you have to go to them by saying that you love them and care about their happiness. You see that they have not been happy and you are concerned about the treatment they are receiving from their mate. From that point they can either shut down and you say ok. Or she can open up a dialogue about your concerns and maybe get to place of understanding.  You have to stop and think if someone was to tell you this information how would you want them to do it? Would you want someone going off about your mate and listing their wrongs with a negative attitude? I will answer that for you…nope you wouldn’t and would likely snap. In this life the last thing the human ego wants is to be wrong and many times giving the “truth” without love makes a person feel wrong. If they feel wrong they will attack and defend themselves against their perceived enemy which then turns out to be you!

We must also remember when sharing the truth you have to make sure that the person is even ready to receive the truth. The best way to gage this is by prayer. God will let you know when to speak and how to speak. If you jump out without God’s guidance you might find yourself short a friend or family member. Sometimes you have to love a person into being ready to receive the truth, which will require a commitment on your part. You will have to keep being there, being supportive and patient until you find that God ordained time to share the truth. When you share the truth at the right time, with the right words from a place of love is when truth really sets someone free and shames the devil.

 Prayer to share truth: Father God, I come to you humbly asking for you to not see me but see my heart. I have some hard truths that I feel I need to share with someone. Lord if it is your will please let your Holy Spirit rule my mouth in agenda and let me give the truth from a place of love and at the proper time. Prepare the persons heart to receive my words knowing that they flow from you and love. Lord if what I am going to share isn’t the truth or should not be shared at this time make me aware and corrected me oh loving father. In Jesus name, Amen.

Spirtual Bases:

2 Timothy 2:24-25:

“And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to knowledge of the truth.”

Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh CXXXII, pp. 287-289:

“If ye be aware of a certain truth, if ye possess a jewel, of which others are deprived, share it with them in a language of utmost kindliness and good-will. If it be accepted, if it fulfil its purpose, your object is attained. If any one should refuse it, leave him unto himself, and beseech God to guide him. Beware lest ye deal unkindly with him.

Before you walk out my life

As I am sitting on my couch extremely excited that I now have VH1 Soul, a familiar song comes on. The soothing sounds of Monica singing “Before you walk out of my life”. I sit and began to sing/hum the song and all kinds of memories began to flood my memory. I remember being a young, 13 years old when the song came out. At the time my parents had separated so it was just me, my mom and my sister living in the home. Things were not the worst I had experienced but it wasn’t the best. I remember playing the CD over and over. I got the CD in the mail from one of those get 12 CD’s for a penny deals. Then a not so pleasant feeling came over me, the feeling I felt when my mom was about to leave with her “friends”. I say “friends” because these people suffered from the disease of drug addiction. When these people came around I knew that the loving caring mother that I knew was soon to be gone. Not that any of them wanted to hurt or abandon me…they just so happen to be the ones that did. Anyway, I remember one day her friends came over to get ready to get go out. I was in my room and one of them asked me to play some music for them. Of course I played Monica. My hopes were that just maybe if the music was good they wouldn’t go out and my mother would stay home.

To my young dismay the music was not enough to keep them home. Soon they were out the door and only the faint smell of their perfume remained.  Deep inside I knew that my mother was leaving and was likely would be gone for days. It was becoming more and more of a habit for my mother to leave with no word on when she would return. I remember just as clear staring out my mother’s bedroom window waiting to see her car pull up. That day wouldn’t come for three days and because I was so loyal I never told a soul, not even my father. Due to this experience I could never listen to “Before you walk out my life” without feeling defeated, abandoned, hurt and very upset (pissed is a better word!). But today it was different. I heard the song, had the memory but instead I smiled! I sang the song and had joy in my heart. Just the slight sting of the experience was present but the pain wasn’t!

I believe all the negative feelings are gone because God has healed me and my mother. I have grown to look at drug addiction as the disease it is. I now know that it was not my mother that was leaving me and hurting me. It was my mother on drugs that was hurting me and those are two very different people. People who are on drugs are not in control of themselves. They are under the control of the drug, the drug dealers and others who do drugs. My sober mother would never hurt me in any way, shape or form. I am able to say that now my mother is clean and is living the blessed life that God can provide. God was able to break strongholds in her life, as well as mine. We prayed for many years and God came in and did is job! We have to remember two things: One some of the things that happened in our childhood maybe unsavory. BUT with God we can be healed in our adulthood and go on and live our lives. We don’t have to stay playing victim and blaming our parents for why our lives aren’t want we want them to be. Grow up and take some responsibility for YOUR LIFE.  The second thing to remember is to never give up on the people you love. You may have to pray and wait on the Lord for a LONG time but don’t give up. Keep praying and loving them even if you have to love them from a distance. I promise God will come into the situation and make it right! (Disclaimer: Right might not be how you pictured it or how you want it but it will be RIGHT)

Monica "Before you walk out my life" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snQi_k2Rnd0

The time for change is now…even if I don’t like it.

 

 

So there I was living my life and boom! God decided that my life was about to make a big change wither I wanted it to or not! I had just moved back to my home town to be with the love of my life and to start a new higher paying job with the company I had been with for six and a half years. Before I had moved I felt God tell me that I should not work and just take some time off and work would come. My flesh was not hearing it so God permitted me to get a higher paying job at my then current employer. You would think that I was on the top of the world but you would be wrong. At first I was. Things were going well on the home front and I was flying through my new job training. Unfortunately, my physical body was not so happy. My migraine condition flared up and would not let up. At the same time I was having stomach issues which caused me to vomit at least ten times a day. I figured that if I just took a few days off things would get better and I could return. After three weeks of sickness and 7 doctors appointments things just was not looking good. I went to what would be my last doctors appoint for a few weeks and the doctor hit me with news I wasn’t trying to hear. He told me that the stress of the position at my job was causing my illness and I was not going to get better until I no longer worked there. He basically told me I either needed to quit the job or risk my life. I let it go in one ear and out the other until the morning of the day I was to return to work.

I woke up feeling as if I was literally having a nervous breakdown! My stomach was turning, I was hot, head hurting, my body was shaking and I was crying uncontrollably. At that point I decided that I was going to do what I needed to do. At that point I decided that I no longer needed the money and position. All I wanted and needed was God and peace. If that meant people would judge me and call me dumb I didn’t care. I did not care that my car could be repossessed and not have my hair done. All I wanted was to do the will of God! I picked up the phone and made one of the hardest calls I ever had to make. I called my then employer and told them I was unable to return and would not be returning. My manager asked me if I was sure and I calmly said “yes”. Once I hung up the phone I still felt fearful but at the same time I felt as if I made the right decision. Soon after that I began to regain my health. I went from 20 percent to 80 percent in about a week. So then I figured that now was the time for me to return to work and school. In the blink of an eye I had a job with the school district and was accepted into the college I had applied. I thought “now this is what God wanted for me!”

 

A few weeks before classes where to began I went online to enroll. To my horror, I was not able to enroll due to a very old balance that I owed the school. I prayed and believed that it would be ok because God must have a better plan. The next week I started the training for my new job. Things were going well and out of nowhere I was hit with a bad migraine. Back to the hospital and doctor. Again the doctor told me that I was not going to be able to work. Again I had to call my employer and again quit. At this point I had left the job that paid me the most money I had ever made, was unable to return to work on my degree AND I can’t work the job of my dreams…..God has got some serious explaining to do!

The first week was rough. I was sad that my life was no longer how I pictured it would be. I was no longer able to do what I had always done and I was no longer able to do what I thought God called me to do. Then one morning I woke up and realized that no matter what, God sits on the thorn. Where I am is where he wants me to be so I just needed to make the best of it. So I started making smoothies and resting. I wasn’t really used to just resting and healing. I was used to being sick and pushing forward so it was very hard for me to just “rest”. What was even harder was facing the fact that I am in fact, disabled. Not that there is anything wrong with people who are disabled. It is just very hard to accept that you can do thing like you used to and you have to adjust your lifestyle. But now I think I have the hang of it. I spend time with my daughter and I am home everyday to greet her when she returns from school. I am able to help her with home work and spend time doing the things I couldn’t before. I am able to go to church because I am not too tired or overworked.

Basically what I am trying to share is that life is not going to go how you planned, but the point is for you to maintain YOUR JOY! No matter what other people have to say or think about you your life, keep your joy! So what you don’t have a job or a title. You are not your job and title! You are so much more in God if you let him use you. I know that God removed those things from me because he wanted me to know that he and he alone is my source. Anything I get I know without a doubt that it is GOD. I also know that God has a big plan for my life. He has shown me just a glimpse and I look forward to the greatness he will show through me!