Weeping At God's Feet

There comes a time in your life when you must sit humbly at God's feet, and weep. This evening as I was spending time with my 8 month old daughter I decided to read her some books. I found two baby books and a large picture book called "Amazing Grace." Upon finding "Amazing Grace" I was super excited. The book is about a young black girl who was told she couldn't be Peter Pan in a play because she was a girl and she was black. Anyway, off to my comfy chair with baby in tow. As we sat I began to read the pages of the two baby books. My daughter smiled and rubbed the pages. Then it was time for "Amazing Grace." As I opened the pages Khy's eyes lit up and she became excited. Unfortunately that excitement had to end. In the midst of reading I began to feel my speech slur so I stopped reading. About five minutes later my right side began to tingle and a migraine began.

As I sat there I began to feel defeated and hopeless. In my mind I was thinking  "I can't even read my baby a book." As the tears welled up in my eyes I went to the kitchen where my husband was preparing dinner. I asked him to tell me not to cry. The tears couldn't be held back. I cried on his shoulder. Not just crying, I wept. At that moment life just wasn't fair. I couldn't do something as simple as read a children's book.

Now I know that may seem silly to some. I have been reading since I was 4. My mother taught me how to read aloud. She taught me how to change my voice for different characters. She taught me how to eloquently speak each word with power and hold the listeners attention. Yes she used Girl Scout cookies as motivation, but it worked. Because of that experience I take great pride in reading to my little ones. The feeling of loss I experienced tonight hurt and felt unreal.

After my husband told me it was okay to cry, we figured out that the reading aloud was a trigger for my migraines. I sat in this realization for hours. In my mind, I was trying to figure out what was the purpose of God allowing this current moment of desperation. After sitting humbly at God's feet I got clarity. No matter what physical ability is taken from me I will always have God as my comforter. I can always go to his feet and weep. God will always hear my cry. If he can help me through all the other issues in my life, he can help me with this. Also, God blessed me with this ability to read. There are people in the world who have never been able to read or read to their children period.

I have decided for this moment Khy's big sisters and dad will read to her. In the meantime I will bond with her by playing with toys, listening to music and bath time. One day soon God WILL return my ability to read to my babies. Even if he doesn't, he has done enough.