As I am sitting on my couch extremely excited that I now
have VH1 Soul, a familiar song comes on. The soothing sounds of Monica singing “Before
you walk out of my life”. I sit and began to sing/hum the song and all kinds of
memories began to flood my memory. I remember being a young, 13 years old when
the song came out. At the time my parents had separated so it was just me, my
mom and my sister living in the home. Things were not the worst I had
experienced but it wasn’t the best. I remember playing the CD over and over. I
got the CD in the mail from one of those get 12 CD’s for a penny deals. Then a
not so pleasant feeling came over me, the feeling I felt when my mom was about
to leave with her “friends”. I say “friends” because these people suffered from
the disease of drug addiction. When these people came around I knew that the
loving caring mother that I knew was soon to be gone. Not that any of them
wanted to hurt or abandon me…they just so happen to be the ones that did.
Anyway, I remember one day her friends came over to get ready to get go out. I
was in my room and one of them asked me to play some music for them. Of course
I played Monica. My hopes were that just maybe if the music was good they wouldn’t
go out and my mother would stay home.
To my young dismay the music was not enough to keep them
home. Soon they were out the door and only the faint smell of their perfume remained. Deep inside I knew that my mother was leaving
and was likely would be gone for days. It was becoming more and more of a habit
for my mother to leave with no word on when she would return. I
remember just as clear staring out my mother’s bedroom window waiting to see
her car pull up. That day wouldn’t come for three days and because I was so
loyal I never told a soul, not even my father. Due to this experience I could
never listen to “Before you walk out my life” without feeling defeated,
abandoned, hurt and very upset (pissed is a better word!). But today it was
different. I heard the song, had the memory but instead I smiled! I sang the
song and had joy in my heart. Just the slight sting of the experience was
present but the pain wasn’t!
I believe all the negative feelings are gone because God has
healed me and my mother. I have grown to look at drug addiction as the disease
it is. I now know that it was not my mother that was leaving me and hurting me.
It was my mother on drugs that was hurting me and those are two very different people.
People who are on drugs are not in control of themselves. They are under the
control of the drug, the drug dealers and others who do drugs. My sober mother
would never hurt me in any way, shape or form. I am able to say that now my
mother is clean and is living the blessed life that God can provide. God was
able to break strongholds in her life, as well as mine. We prayed for many
years and God came in and did is job! We have to remember two things: One some
of the things that happened in our childhood maybe unsavory. BUT with God we can
be healed in our adulthood and go on and live our lives. We don’t have to stay
playing victim and blaming our parents for why our lives aren’t want we want
them to be. Grow up and take some responsibility for YOUR LIFE. The second thing to remember is to never give
up on the people you love. You may have to pray and wait on the Lord for a LONG
time but don’t give up. Keep praying and loving them even if you have to love
them from a distance. I promise God will come into the situation and make it
right! (Disclaimer: Right might not be how you pictured it or how you want it
but it will be RIGHT)
This made me cry. Thanks for sharing.
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