Before you walk out my life

As I am sitting on my couch extremely excited that I now have VH1 Soul, a familiar song comes on. The soothing sounds of Monica singing “Before you walk out of my life”. I sit and began to sing/hum the song and all kinds of memories began to flood my memory. I remember being a young, 13 years old when the song came out. At the time my parents had separated so it was just me, my mom and my sister living in the home. Things were not the worst I had experienced but it wasn’t the best. I remember playing the CD over and over. I got the CD in the mail from one of those get 12 CD’s for a penny deals. Then a not so pleasant feeling came over me, the feeling I felt when my mom was about to leave with her “friends”. I say “friends” because these people suffered from the disease of drug addiction. When these people came around I knew that the loving caring mother that I knew was soon to be gone. Not that any of them wanted to hurt or abandon me…they just so happen to be the ones that did. Anyway, I remember one day her friends came over to get ready to get go out. I was in my room and one of them asked me to play some music for them. Of course I played Monica. My hopes were that just maybe if the music was good they wouldn’t go out and my mother would stay home.

To my young dismay the music was not enough to keep them home. Soon they were out the door and only the faint smell of their perfume remained.  Deep inside I knew that my mother was leaving and was likely would be gone for days. It was becoming more and more of a habit for my mother to leave with no word on when she would return. I remember just as clear staring out my mother’s bedroom window waiting to see her car pull up. That day wouldn’t come for three days and because I was so loyal I never told a soul, not even my father. Due to this experience I could never listen to “Before you walk out my life” without feeling defeated, abandoned, hurt and very upset (pissed is a better word!). But today it was different. I heard the song, had the memory but instead I smiled! I sang the song and had joy in my heart. Just the slight sting of the experience was present but the pain wasn’t!

I believe all the negative feelings are gone because God has healed me and my mother. I have grown to look at drug addiction as the disease it is. I now know that it was not my mother that was leaving me and hurting me. It was my mother on drugs that was hurting me and those are two very different people. People who are on drugs are not in control of themselves. They are under the control of the drug, the drug dealers and others who do drugs. My sober mother would never hurt me in any way, shape or form. I am able to say that now my mother is clean and is living the blessed life that God can provide. God was able to break strongholds in her life, as well as mine. We prayed for many years and God came in and did is job! We have to remember two things: One some of the things that happened in our childhood maybe unsavory. BUT with God we can be healed in our adulthood and go on and live our lives. We don’t have to stay playing victim and blaming our parents for why our lives aren’t want we want them to be. Grow up and take some responsibility for YOUR LIFE.  The second thing to remember is to never give up on the people you love. You may have to pray and wait on the Lord for a LONG time but don’t give up. Keep praying and loving them even if you have to love them from a distance. I promise God will come into the situation and make it right! (Disclaimer: Right might not be how you pictured it or how you want it but it will be RIGHT)

Monica "Before you walk out my life" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snQi_k2Rnd0

The time for change is now…even if I don’t like it.

 

 

So there I was living my life and boom! God decided that my life was about to make a big change wither I wanted it to or not! I had just moved back to my home town to be with the love of my life and to start a new higher paying job with the company I had been with for six and a half years. Before I had moved I felt God tell me that I should not work and just take some time off and work would come. My flesh was not hearing it so God permitted me to get a higher paying job at my then current employer. You would think that I was on the top of the world but you would be wrong. At first I was. Things were going well on the home front and I was flying through my new job training. Unfortunately, my physical body was not so happy. My migraine condition flared up and would not let up. At the same time I was having stomach issues which caused me to vomit at least ten times a day. I figured that if I just took a few days off things would get better and I could return. After three weeks of sickness and 7 doctors appointments things just was not looking good. I went to what would be my last doctors appoint for a few weeks and the doctor hit me with news I wasn’t trying to hear. He told me that the stress of the position at my job was causing my illness and I was not going to get better until I no longer worked there. He basically told me I either needed to quit the job or risk my life. I let it go in one ear and out the other until the morning of the day I was to return to work.

I woke up feeling as if I was literally having a nervous breakdown! My stomach was turning, I was hot, head hurting, my body was shaking and I was crying uncontrollably. At that point I decided that I was going to do what I needed to do. At that point I decided that I no longer needed the money and position. All I wanted and needed was God and peace. If that meant people would judge me and call me dumb I didn’t care. I did not care that my car could be repossessed and not have my hair done. All I wanted was to do the will of God! I picked up the phone and made one of the hardest calls I ever had to make. I called my then employer and told them I was unable to return and would not be returning. My manager asked me if I was sure and I calmly said “yes”. Once I hung up the phone I still felt fearful but at the same time I felt as if I made the right decision. Soon after that I began to regain my health. I went from 20 percent to 80 percent in about a week. So then I figured that now was the time for me to return to work and school. In the blink of an eye I had a job with the school district and was accepted into the college I had applied. I thought “now this is what God wanted for me!”

 

A few weeks before classes where to began I went online to enroll. To my horror, I was not able to enroll due to a very old balance that I owed the school. I prayed and believed that it would be ok because God must have a better plan. The next week I started the training for my new job. Things were going well and out of nowhere I was hit with a bad migraine. Back to the hospital and doctor. Again the doctor told me that I was not going to be able to work. Again I had to call my employer and again quit. At this point I had left the job that paid me the most money I had ever made, was unable to return to work on my degree AND I can’t work the job of my dreams…..God has got some serious explaining to do!

The first week was rough. I was sad that my life was no longer how I pictured it would be. I was no longer able to do what I had always done and I was no longer able to do what I thought God called me to do. Then one morning I woke up and realized that no matter what, God sits on the thorn. Where I am is where he wants me to be so I just needed to make the best of it. So I started making smoothies and resting. I wasn’t really used to just resting and healing. I was used to being sick and pushing forward so it was very hard for me to just “rest”. What was even harder was facing the fact that I am in fact, disabled. Not that there is anything wrong with people who are disabled. It is just very hard to accept that you can do thing like you used to and you have to adjust your lifestyle. But now I think I have the hang of it. I spend time with my daughter and I am home everyday to greet her when she returns from school. I am able to help her with home work and spend time doing the things I couldn’t before. I am able to go to church because I am not too tired or overworked.

Basically what I am trying to share is that life is not going to go how you planned, but the point is for you to maintain YOUR JOY! No matter what other people have to say or think about you your life, keep your joy! So what you don’t have a job or a title. You are not your job and title! You are so much more in God if you let him use you. I know that God removed those things from me because he wanted me to know that he and he alone is my source. Anything I get I know without a doubt that it is GOD. I also know that God has a big plan for my life. He has shown me just a glimpse and I look forward to the greatness he will show through me!

Grace

I find it is difficult for me to remain peaceful when someone does something that I have already expressed drives me crazy. For example, I have shared repeatedly with my daughter that I DO NOT like it when she stomps off in my house like she pays rent! It makes my blood pressure rise and makes me want to take the door off the hinges and “Kunta Kinta” one of her feet (lbs). It is in those moments that it is  hard for me to find grace for her and other people but I am working on it. It just dawned on me that God likely gives us a lot of grace because 1. He loves us but 2. He doesn’t want to be stressed out worrying about us and the things that we do that drive him crazy. For those who believe that God can’t possibly be bothered by what we do, think again. The bible says that we are created in his imagine and likeness. God was so upset with the Israelites he let them go around the same mountain for 40 years. The Bible also says that Jesus came from God and was indeed God in flesh. We all know that Jesus got upset at people a few times. Recall when he was turning over tables in the church house because people were abusing it? But I digress.

 Anyway,  I am sure that if God did not give is grace freely, but instead punished us each time we did something that wasn’t right or just down- right got on his nerves he would not have much time to bless us. For example, have you ever had to discipline a child for acting up? If not let me tell you it is a chore and quiet stressful if you have to do it on a regular basis. You have to take the time to discuss the issue and then hand out the punishment. 9 times out of 10 the punishment is harder on you than it is on them! You have to watch them suffer and sometimes suffer with them. Ever tell an 8 year old they can’t play their D.S. or be on the computer and then want to do some reading? Or be in the house with your spouse and you both are walking around not speaking and the air is so thick you can’t breathe? Yea, good luck with that lol.

 Sometimes it’s just best to show your children and people some grace to save yourself the headache and restore YOUR peace. I am not saying that you shouldn’t do it for the love of them, but you certainly should do it for the love of YOU. It’s a win-win situation, the person does not have to feel as if they have to be perfect and you don’t have to be stress about them either lol. Along with that the people who you give grace will likely give you grace in the future and we ALL can use some grace.  With that being said, this does not mean that you turn into a doormat and start letting people run all over you. Of course if you have shown your child much grace and they still are producing the same behavior than a loving punishment is necessary. I don’t know about you but God has gotten my behind MANY times. In the words of my great-grandmother God had to show me that “fat meat is greasy”!

 Without hesitation I will tell you this is easier said than done. God can do it so well because he has not been  jaded by this world. His entire thought process is based in love and peace. Thus it’s nothing to the “G” to just give you some grace and keep on going. You on the other hand are in the world and at one point were of it. Which means your ego and patience is likely extremely low. So just know that it will take time and prayer to develop your grace muscle. But once you began to master it you will find that you have an abundance of peace and that will make it all worth it.

 

The Miseducation of Mother

 

So, I had recently acknowledged that I really do not care for children. Now the truth isn’t that I don’t care for children. The truth is I don’t care for what I believed they represented. To me they represented a loss of freedom and a lot of responsibility. Children represented me believing that what I want to do and how I want to live is no longer a option because I have to take care of them. Now where did this come from? Part of it came from personal experience. I neglected to accurately take my birth control assuming that I couldn’t and wouldn’t get pregnant taking pills at different times of the day. Hey I used condoms too! Clearly I wasn’t very wise but that’s not here or there. Then I toyed with the idea of taking a morning after but I told myself that I didn’t need the pill because I wasn’t pregnant nor was I going to get pregnant…but I was pregnant.

 That meant that my will had to change. It had to go from self to another human being, so I was on the back burner many times. But I think the strongest influence was people. People, namely elders believe it’s their duty to give it to you straight and they really believe they are. Many of them told me “its not about you anymore its about that baby” “you are not the priority the baby is” “you life is on hold now because you have to take care of your child”. Now being a child myself (I was only 21) I never stopped to think, why does it have to be that way? Who said that my life has to be on hold and that I am no longer a priority?! I know that the Lord didn’t say it! God said to take care of your kids but I don’t recall anywhere him saying that I had to stop caring for myself and that my ENTIRE focus and life had to be for my child. He never said that all of my choices have to be based on the fact that I am mother instead of a human woman with dreams and goals! But I didn’t question it. I bought into what my elders told me hook, line and sinker. I believed that they had to know something since they have kids and have lived right?

Now I am a bit wiser and am doing some thinking of my own.  I am coming to realize that just because I am a mother does not mean that I have to wait for my child to be grown to live my life for me. Of course I have to provide a good life for her but I can create and have a good life for me too! If my God can heal cancer, prevent car wrecks, keep me from drugs and avoided me getting a few DWI’s in my life for being stupid, SURLY my God has the ability to help me create a life that benefits my child’s needs and mine! Many single mother’s will refuse to admit what I am about to admit. But before I realized that I had the ability to do both, I resented my daughter. Believe me I know that sounds so ugly, but it’s the truth! I am not here to feed you some sugar coated idea of what I think I am giving it to you raw and uncut.

Now I loved and still love my daughter but I resented what I believed being a parent had done to my life. I resented that it was no longer about me and that I am not a priority. But again I realize that if I don’t make MY LIFE about ME, she and I will suffer and so will anyone else in my life’s experience. So from now on I am thinking of the both of us. I am no longer just interested in a good paying job because that’s what the world believes you must have. I am no longer in the business of suffering in a position that gives me no joy because it’s expected for me to care for my child. Now I realize that if I my happiness is not a priority I am not able to give my child what she needs and that’s a whole, sane, joyful, lovable parent.

I have also learned that as I am slowly but surely becoming that wise “elder” that some girl in crisis may choose to come to. I will take that responsibility seriously and give the best advice I know how. Starting with, you can have a child and still have YOU! It may be hard work but it can be done! Don’t stop living for you because with God you can do it all!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hvntSfvqGQ

Is it me?

I have to admit today has been a trying day for me over all. I woke up just fine but things slowly started turning south. First my child turned off her listening ears and decided to do her own thing. But I got over that and got her to school. Then I was going to Starbucks and totally turned into the wrong drive but I recovered from that. Next I went and parked in my parking space and decided to spend some time with God. I shared with God that I felt overwhelmed and detached. Then I read some word and started feeling better. So hi ho hi ho into work I go! The very first customer I helped was a BEAR. I was telling her just what she wanted to hear but she wasn’t taking the time to listen. Finally I was able to get us on the same page. In the end she was happy and I was able to recover my peace. But next something happened that took a bit for me to recover from.

Thru the door walks an older woman with equipment that she needs help with. My co-worker was talking on the phone so I politely said hello. She continued to walk so I assumed she didn’t hear me. So again I smiled and repeated "hello, how can I help you today." Once more, she stood there as if she could not hear me. So for a third time I raised my voice and said "hello". At this time my co-worker is wrapping up her conversation on the phone. The customer looks right at me as to acknowledge that I was speaking and went to my co-worker. As this is occurring, I was trying to remember if I knew the lady or if we had some sort of exchange in the past. From what I can recall we didn’t and I never forget someone who I was upset with lol. My co-worker did not know the lady and had never had any interaction with the customer. The only difference between my co-worker and I is she is a white woman and I am a black woman.

Normally I am not the one to call racism but today it was very clear that the woman did not want to come to me because I was black. There wasn’t any other reason why she wouldn’t come to me. My co-worker looked at me with a strange look when the woman silently refused my help. From the look on my co-workers face she too knew the reason why the lady was not interested in getting my help. I have had other customers who also would not allow me to do my job because I was black. Or worse they did not come to me because I am the "double negative" a black woman! But normally I am not affected by their ignorance. I accept it and move on, not so much today!

After sitting there feeling wounded, emotional and rejected for a few minutes I decided it was time to pray and learn something from this experience. As I was praying and affirming the truth about myself and who God created me to be, God intercepted. I could clearly hear the spirit say "You are right, the woman is racist but that is not your problem. The lesson I want you to learn is that everyone is not going to believe you are great. Some people no matter how great you are will judge you and assume things about you based on your looks or who you used to be. You must KNOW who and WHO’S you are. Also some people are not going to want your help. Yes, you may be qualified to help them and be willing, but they don’t want your help. Don’t get upset, save your skills and time to people who WANT THEM."

Talk about a glass of cold water in your face! But God was 100% correct. There are days when I doubt myself and my skills. On these days I allow how other people feel and think bother me. When in reality I need to remember that I am a child of God. God created me in his imagine and likeness. He said that I am fearfully and wonderfully made! He said that I am "very good". So no matter what people think about me that does not change who I am, that speaks on who they are! People rejected Jesus and I am not different. I just must learn that no matter what I AM GREAT, PERIOD! I must also learn that I can’t allow my emotions to be moved based on other people and certainly not a stranger!

I can say that I have grown a lot. The old me would have spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. Instead I decided to seek counsel! I did however go on to waste water all over my co-workers desk and remember that I forgot my lunch at home LOL. Gratefully my co-worker dried his desk and my hunny gave me money for lunch J .

Anyway, just remember people will be people. Pray for them and yourself. Focus on what you can learn and change instead of wasting time on people who you simply can’t change anyway!

I have been on my way!

As I was getting dressed the other day I was listing to Joel Osteen. During one of his wonderful sermons he was discussing waiting on God. As I was applying mascara I stopped as he said something along the lines of "God was on his way when you first prayed and asked for his help. He just had to get thru the evil to get to you". After he said that I thought a minute and pictured God fighting with the "bad" in life to get to me and fix my problem. It put a smile on my face to know that he is fighting for me and with that, I continued on with my day.

Well today while I was walking, what Joel said replayed in my mind and got me to thinking. I don’t know how many of you all have kids or have ever had to pick up a sick kid from school but boy it can be work. Picture it, you are at work doing whatever it is you do at work and then you get a call. The school nurse tells you that your child has, threw up, crapped or has a fever. Whatever the case maybe you now need to go to the school, pick up this sick kid and save the day!

So you finish what you are doing, tell your co-workers/boss and move as quickly as you can to get to your child. Once you are in the car you now have to deal with traffic which seems to be way worse than it is on a "normal" day. So it takes you 30 minutes to get to the school instead of the normal 15. Now this whole time all you can think about is how you want to get to your sick child in comfort them. While the child is lying down in the office thinking that you are NEVER COMING.

Finally you get to the school were your child looks at you and says "what took you sooooooo long!" A part of you wants to hit the little fart in the head because they have no clue what you have been through but you digress. Anyway, you pick up the kid, pick up some meds and off to home to comfort and help heal this child. The only problem you have now is that no matter how much medicine you give and no matter how much you hold your baby, they are sick until whatever they have passes. The medicine might help ease the pain and discomfort but the sickness is still present. But in due time the illness passes and your child is all smiles and back to life as they knew it.

I say all that to say I bet that’s how God feels when we pray. We get a problem and quickly make our way to the mainline and tell our father our issues. Like a good parent he hears our cry and quickly gets to work to help us but it takes time. He starts working on helping us the minute we tell him the problem but he has things to work against. Just like you he too wants to hurry up and "fix" whatever is wrong with his child but it’s not that simple. Normally he has to work through the people in his way and if you know anything about people you know that can take time! Then he has to finally get to us and work through our issues, which can take EVEN more time! As he is doing all of this work/fixing he is right there by your side giving you comfort. He is there letting you know that soon it will all be better. The same way you can’t tell your child when they will be better he can’t tell you when it will be better. Well he could but it really isn’t important. What is important is that you can and WILL be better.

I personally think we need to give God the patience and understanding that we expect from our children. We expect our kids to wait for us to pick them up and trust us to help them get well. We expect them to take their medicine and wait it out. When we have an issue we expect God to instantly show up and fix it! Then when he gives us "medicine" we normally don’t take it or spit it out. For example, the spirit could tell you that you need to forgive so and so to help you get your breakthrough. But instead of you doing it you simply ignore the spirit and keep right on with your whining and complaining, failing to realize that you are the one keeping you "sick". With our children we can hold them down and force feed the meds to them but God simply doesn’t do that. All he can do is sit and wait for us to get tired of being in our situation and do what he said. But like a good father he is still right there waiting to help make you all better.

So the next time you call on God and it doesn’t seem as if he is moving quickly enough, remember he has been on the way!